"What you call 'love' isn’t actually love."
I have heard several times over the years that the love you have as a young person, especially young married people, is not actually love. Saying “I love you” actually means “I lust after you.” Saying “I love you” actually means “I love the way you make me feel.” Saying “I love you” just means “I need you.” It’s a feeling. It’s an emotion. It’s not the real thing.
I’m here to argue that it is the real thing.
Yep, you heard me right.
That is love. It’s just young love.
Would you tell me that a kitten is not a cat? Would you tell me that a seed is not a tree? Would you tell me that the baby growing in a mother’s womb is not the next world-changer?
Well, maybe not yet. But the powerful paws of a lynx are present in the tiny ball of fur still mewing for attention. The height and majesty of a mighty redwood simply need time and water to emerge from that tiny seed. The healing hands and gentle heart of a physician simply need to be nurtured and cared for to mature from the toddling child.
Young love is still love.
If it wasn’t, how could it ever grow to be “real” love?
Will I tell my child, “No, you don’t actually love me. Love is a verb. Love is an action. Love is commitment even when you don’t feel like it,” when he pauses in the middle of tossing a ball to remind me of his affection?
Will I tell my husband, “No, you just like the way I make you feel. If you really loved me, you would sacrifice more for me,” when he puts his arms around me when he knows I’m upset with him?
Would Jesus tell the repentant sinner, “No, you don’t love me, you’re still sinful and immature and need a few more years to realize just how much I’ve done for you,” when she pours out her wounded heart to Him?
No.
This is love. It’s just young love.
It’s growing. Yes, I will grant you, it is still growing and has a lot of growing up still left to do.
But don’t tell me it’s not love.
Don’t tell me this passionate, crazy, emotional, love-you/hate-you, can’t-control-it, stumbling, eager, desperate, needy, confused-and-yet-still-so-sure feeling isn’t love. Because it is.
When my passionate, intense, wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve object of desire asked me to be his wife, I tried not to be too silly about it.
I tried to maintain composure. Not be socially awkward. Keep my cool.
Because I had heard so many mature adults look down on young love. The rolled eyes. The knowing looks. The “give it a few months” comments. The dissension over emotions that couldn’t be controlled.
And so, I purposed to not be like them. I was going to be mature. I was going to have this “real love” business right from the start.
What a bunch of crap.
The problem is, you can’t have “real love” from the start. You can’t have a chicken without the egg. Come on.
So instead of enjoying the “not real love” kind of love, I stifled it. Tried to act like I was more mature than that. And didn’t really succeed at that either. (Chicken before the egg problem, remember?) And by extension, I didn’t succeed at the emotions or the maturity, just did a belly flop somewhere in the middle.
Ouch.
(a pause, a reflection)
I like going to weddings.
I like seeing silly, ridiculous love.
Because it reminds me that the love I am developing now (yes, it’s love!) shouldn’t just be an action. It should be an action. But it shouldn’t be just an action.
Love is not limited to one dimension.
Love is friendship.
Love is commitment.
Love is passion.
Love is unconditional even when conditions are set against it.
Love is an action, but that action is filled with all the depth and beauty of life-long passion. One of my favorite quotes from Mike Bickle: Lovers will out-work servants every day.
There are times in a marriage covenant to serve and stick it out and push through. But that shouldn’t be the be-all, end-all litmus test for true love. True love is intense. It is sold-out to the point of insanity.
Love isn’t giving everything there is to give, love is giving everything you have to give.
So to all you lovebirds, to all you crazy and emotional people out there, what you have is love. That is not an invitation to be frivolous or flippant with it. No, quite the contrary; if you know that what you have in your hands and heart is the precious seed of age-old selflessness, you treat it with incredible care.
Recognizing feelings as love does not give further license to throw love away, instead it fosters awe and respect for the insurmountable potential our newly developed feelings can have.
This is love. So treat it with care.
