Have you ever been at a party where "that" person was in attendance? "That" person is usually saying awkward things, making people feel uncomfortable, just doesn't quite fit in, and makes the rest of the party wish "that" person wasn't there.
But if you have been at a party with "that" person, you may have also witnessed an incredible host. The host doesn't make fun of "that" person, they never insult them, they are always and forever gracious. Even if the host is beginning to wish "that" person had never been invited, they will never show that feeling; the gracious host will be kind and considerate to the end. It's what makes them a great host.
My name means "God is Gracious."
And for most of my life, for some unknown reason, I considered God to be like that host.
Because I considered myself to be "that" person.
Grace means unmerited favor. Heavily accent the unmerited and you have my mind's definition pretty much summed up.
It was not difficult at all to imagine God above looking at me and thinking, "There she goes again... saying something she shouldn't," or, "Sigh. You'd think she would catch on quicker." But of course He would never criticize, because He is an incredibly gracious God.
Essentially, God is a nice guy, which is the only reason He puts up with me.
And I tried to remain as good as possible so I didn't bother Him with my issues, because He was already being really nice by saving my undeserving self from my sins. Of course, that didn't really work, being I also loved Him and wanted to have an honest relationship, which left me feeling pesky and petulant most of the time.
Then I was given a not-so-complicated, but very impacting, revelation: the word that is translated as grace in the New Testament is closest to the word for favor in the Old Testament.
Favor. It had been in the meaning all along, and yet I had never separated it from being unmerited. Favor.
Now that word has much different connotations for me. A favor is something good. A favor is something kind. Being favorable is being worthy of being wanted. Being favored is being liked, not just tolerated. Favorites receive the firsts, not just the scraps.
Since that simple yet profound revelation, I have been the keenly-aware recipient of immeasurable favor from God:
Anonymous gifts.
Blessings from unexpected places.
Circumstances lining up too well to be simple coincidence.
Prayers answered that I had forgotten I even prayed until after they were answered.
In short, being given preferential treatment even though I had done nothing to earn it.
Favor.
I know this is not the main definition of the word favor, but favor brings to mind the situation where a part of your body is injured and you favor that injured area. You favor it. It is always first in your mind. You change the way you do everyday tasks, such as walking, talking, picking things up, or sitting down. It is always and ever your priority. You are mindful of how to be gentle and kind with it.
Is it possible that God favors me in that way? That I am first in His mind? That He would go out of His way to make sure I am taken care of? Now that is a radically different way to view God's grace to me. And having my view on God's opinion of me radically changed also changes the way I view myself.
My name also means "God's Gift." I'm finally understanding how "gracious" and "gift" go together by seeing my name as "God is unreasonably favorable toward me." Because He is. But I'm learning to happily accept that.
There is a C. S. Lewis quote I love: "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less."
Thinking of myself poorly is no way to live my own life, but it's also no way to live life with others. If I'm supposed to think of others as better than myself, and I think of myself as pathetic, then the best status others in my life are getting is "slightly better than pathetic." What? What a rip-off. How about I see myself as a co-heir with Christ and begin treating others as "even better co-heirs or future co-heirs!"
Perpetually demeaning myself doesn't make me more humble. In fact, it probably makes me prouder because I spend all my time focusing on myself, looking at myself, comparing myself, measuring myself. Instead, humility comes from being so peaceful in my identity that I don't need to think about it anymore.
I was attempting to wrap my mind around God's goodness by putting Him at my highest concept of good, and placing myself the appropriate distance away from that goodness. Instead, I need to stop paying so much attention to where I am and put God WAY HIGHER than I can even imagine. He doesn't fit inside my concepts of good, gracious, and loving. He completely blows them out of the water. And He directs that goodness toward me.
"Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights; with Him there is no variation or shadow cast by turning. By His own choice, He gave us a new birth by the message of truth so that we would be the firstfruits of His creatures." James 1:17-18
"I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God's love, and to know the Messiah's love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us - to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
Ephesians 3:17b-21
"For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority." Colossians 2:9-10
